Messing Up
by distel
Summary: Missing Moment set during The Model Home, Season 1. Ryan is running from the fire and tries to figure out why he, once again, messed things up.


_** A/N:** So I wrote this after I read some really depressing Ryan one-shots and the idea just popped into my head after reading "Punch" by "newportbeachbabe" - check it out here at ;)_

All my thanks go to **Frejya** for the quick beta job...thank's sweety!

**Summery:** Missing Moment set at the end of "The Model Home" Season 1. Ryan is trying to get away from the burned Modelhome and tries to figure out why he always messes things up.

It's a little dark but...with a good ending ;) This is my first try at the O.C. FF, but I've writen other stuff before (mainly Harry Potter) so read, enjoy and review ;)

love

distel

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So this was it, right? Once again he'd tried and once again he'd failed...

Ryan kicked a stone lying in front of him. The night was dark and cold for a summer night but Ryan felt hot, like he was burning. Everything on him was on fire. His head - bruised and bleeding from where Luke had crushed it to the ground, his back - blue from where he had been shoved into the wall, his eyes - burning like hell from the fume and his heart - burning with the knowledge that once again, he'd messed things up.

Ryan didn't know how long he stumbled through the darkness, his thump out, hoping someone would take him in...take him somewhere. He no longer knew if his eyes burned because of the fume or because he'd been crying.

He'd messed up, like every Atwood would.

He'd messed up with Trey, if only he'd jumped into this car quicker, they could have gotten away.

If only he hadn't listened to Trey in the first place, he could still be with his mother.

Ryan snorted; did he want to be with Dawn? His mother? He didn't know.

If only he hadn't told Seth about the party, just went home to the Cohen's with Seth, maybe Kirsten wouldn't have kicked him out.

If only he hadn't taken Seth with him that night, he could be safe now...or safer then he was now.

If only Marissa hadn't shown up... if only he'd never met her, if only he'd never start smoking because then he'd never walked down this...

Ryan whirled around and punched the first think he found. He wished he could scream, wished he could cry but instead he punched and punched until he couldn't feel his hand anymore - until it was numb.

If only he could punch long enough for his head...his heart to go numb as well...

Ryan punched again and wiped the silent tears from his eyes with his other hand.

Why, why did Atwoods always have to mess things up! WHY? Why him?

Ryan stopped punching; he just stood there, breathing hard, his hand aching. He couldn't punch anymore...or he didn't want to. But why wouldn't he want to? He was Ryan Atwood, the punching-mastermind, he was a chino-kid, punching was his second nature? Ryan laughed bitter. He knew why he didn't want to punch anymore...

They wouldn't want it. He wouldn't want it. He, the first person to take him in. She wouldn't want him to. She, the first person who didn't judge him; the first person to take him as he was. And he had let them all down...all of them.

His mother for becoming like his brother.

His brother for not being quick enough and for getting him into juvie.

Sandy for not trying hard enough.

Seth, for not being a better friend.

Kirsten, for messing in her families live.

Marissa for being who he was.

He silently shook his head and felt the tears run down from his eyes down his face.

What had he done? This could have been it and he? He couldn't do anything to make it right ... nothing.

If only he had never dialled Sandy's number.

If only he had never been born.

Ryan turned around and looked back up on the street, the bypassing cars, rich and expensive. Would they mind a little blood on the front? He wondered while fast walking nearer to the road. Surely they wouldn't.

Took one last look at the cars and suddenly quitted his running. A car he knew. Suddenly he knew how he could at least make what he'd done wrong a little right. How he could show Sandy that he cared, to show Seth, Kirsten, Marissa, everyone that he could take responsibility if he wanted.

Ryan took one last breath and stuck his thump out again, waiting for the car to hold, as he knew it would

_End... _

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So don't forget to review sweeties :)


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